How to live on without her?

Today is All Saints' Day.
Today we remember our loved ones who have passed away.
Today we put candles and flowers at the their grave. We gather. And remember. We get together in parks to see white balloons fly off into the cold foggy winter evening. To celebrate their life and grief their passing. We listen to songs about loss and love. We hug each other, and share the pain. We cry. We mourn our dear ones who are no longer with us.

I stand here.
And I look out on the sea shore, already with an icy surface. It seems cold, still and empty. It is like the time has stopped.

The world stopped when I lost my mum.

How to prepare for a life without her? How to get used to live a life with her not in it?

Yes, I lit a candle for you today, mum. Yes, I am at your grave shedding tears together with your other loved ones. We who miss you so much. Yes, we mourn. The loss seems unbearable.

All leaves has fallen of the tree. It looks naked and cold. The sky is pale and grey. Winter is coming and so is your favourite season: Christmas.

Christmas. For joy, hope and love. A light, when the world is at its darkest.

I know you. My mum. And I think. You would have told me to stand up straight, get rid of those tears and move on. " What are you doing here? Go on. Live, love, laugh, have fun, enjoy!", you would have said. With a smile. But in a strict voice.

I get up on my feet. I wipe my tears off. And I start walking.

I know. You are with me. Every day, every moment. And I smile. Of course you are. Always.

We remember you. We celebrate your life. We can laugh, thinking of happy moments.

But it still hurts.

Every day.

Every moment.
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Some of the most comforting words I have read are these by Christopher Walken:

"Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. 

And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. 

When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. 

You will never forget them. 

However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. 

They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. 

It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. 

The people you lose remain a part of you. 

Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”

Warm thoughts to all of you who are missing your loved ones. 

Today. 

And every day.